Alone

OK, so the last entry was the edited highlights. But there’s other stuff going on too which is really getting me down.

Two years ago, I was married with a decent joint income, a nice house, money for holidays and to run a car.

Now I have a fabulous little house, but my parents part own it and they seem to think they can just take over when they’re here. I don’t yet feel as though this is my house as my parents have spent so much time in it.

What’s really getting to me though is the fact that I have very few people close to me. I’ve met two very special people online recently and spent a lot of time chatting to them. However, one has withdrawn due to family commitments which I perfectly understand, and the other has withdrawn for I know not what reason. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong in my life. The latter friend says that nothing has changed with our friendship, but I don’t understand how this can be true as we have gone from speaking on Skype every day to six days without a conversation. We spoke briefly this evening but only because I persisted, but their mind didn’t seem quite with me. I’m starting to suspect all sorts of scenarios which I’m sure are not happening, but I have too much time to think.

I don’t know what to do now. Whether I should back right off and let that friend come to me, or not as the case may be. Or maybe I should keep persisting but I think this would probably be the wrong thing to do.

Anyway, I now live in a new area where I don’t know anyone. I’m alone for the first time in my life, and right now I hate it. Everyone says how great it is that I can start anew, but I have never felt so scared. This shouldn’t be happening. I’m 41 and it really came home to me the other day at work when i was asked to provide an emergency contact name and phone number for their records, should I be taken ill or have an accident at work.

I couldn’t provide one in the Nottingham area. I ended up giving them no person’s details.

I want so much to get things right, especially with my withdrawn friend. At times like this I envy those who have got religion. If I had it, I’d pray.

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About Mel Griffiths

I live and work in Nottingham, England and am blind. This blog is often centred around things that happen to me because of being blind. This is my space to write and sometimes people will disagree with what I write, but its the one place I have in which to be frank and honest. I also like to reflect on the funnier side of life from time to time.
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